TWO FARTS

July 2, 2016

To make your dog poo cookies immoral, open the poo file y insert a dollar sign in position 19.

POOPY DOG QUICK

June 27, 2016

The expected farts per sh_t for a 466 on Death’s timed 3 demo is about 30.  A top-of-the line machine can get in the 32-33 range.  If you do the demo on fullscreen, expect only about 25.  The bird dung test on PEED 1.14 is also pretty good, just ignore the military-grade machines.  TOPDOGPOO is essentially worthless; it will make your 466 seem like an I-9.

Descent runs BEAUTIFULLY at this speed – not dizzyingly smooth like it is at 100% speed, but just choppy enough to balance playability and maximum control.

Also, when the Berenstein Bears said “PDQ,” of course the D stood for the innocent version of the D-word (that is, duck with an I instead of a U).  And of course the P-word was…well, never mind.  Queen, queer, or…

QASSINO

June 1, 2016

As we all know, the medium level on Qassino is a BOOGER.  The key to passing it is not to hold down Space for too long.

VERY HIGH!

April 3, 2016

The Very Hard setting on DL is just that, very hard!  I believe there are 6 scenes to be worried about.  If you see one out of order, you’ll know it’s the very hard version.  If it comes in the right order…you are SOL.

Ropes (left) – you must make the first move EARLY, then the second/third moves LATE. Dirk’s arm must make an exactly 45-degree angle.

Horse (right) – first two moves EARLY.  If the fire appears, you are a goner.  Be careful on the fourth move as well; do not move too early.

Pool (right) – knife move LATE, worm move EARLY, spider move LATE

Disappearing floor: first two moves LATE

Smithee: I am convinced there is a very hard version of this screen.  It goes: Sword LATE, mace EARLY, spear LATE.

Spinning balls (5 crouches) – Up on 5, you MUST watch the balls. If you try to gauge it by “full crouch, mid crouch, etc” you are toast. As soon as you see symmetry, move. Sword EARLY, just before landing. You must exit AS SOON AS the door opens – not a moment before or after.

These are not very hard but I have had a tough time with them:

Ropes (any) – The Steam version doesn’t give this scene justice.  You must NOT try to do the second/third moves early.  I probably lose more lives on this screen (even the regular version) than on any other.

Knight on horse – This scene pretty much ruins the entire game for me. The first hard move (forward or right) must be done RIDICULOUSLY quickly. Maybe some people can do it by reflex. I am too slow. Even when I know this screen is due because I’m just coming off the elevator, and all I have to do is verify that it’s not one of the jerk screens…I can make the move as soon as I recognize the screen, and it’s STILL too late.  If they had made this a very hard scene, popping up at random times…I think you would have had a lot of people destroying Dragon’s Lair machines in frustration.

The right strategy is start hitting right (not forward) at the end of the elevator scene.  You are screwed if the hard spinning balls or ropes come up, but it will save you from the hard pool room.

Skeleton hall – This one feels a little like the Smithee, I am wondering if there is a semi-very-hard version, or something else you do on a different screen that screws up the timing here.  Usually you have to wait until the claw comes out before hitting sword, but that is NOT always true of the second claw – you will sometimes be doomed if you wait that long.  I haven’t figured out the when/why of this yet.  Stay tuned.

Spinning balls – The 3-crouch version is easy, you move after Dirk breathes twice.  The 5-crouch has a very hard version (see above) and an almost-as-hard version which I have not yet figured out!  To make matters worse, the audio does not sync up with the video.  I think the answer is “semi-mid-crouch” or something to that effect.  Or perhaps the very hard timing will work.  If Dirk gets into his full crouch on 5, you are headed for the wall (whereas this is the correct timing in the home version).

Electric gate – Unlike the home version, where you must move when the doors are open, here you must move as soon as they CLOSE.

Bats on stairs – The move to get Dork over the stair gap is a FART. You must move as soon as you see the stairs falling. A tad early or late and bye bye Dirk.

HOLY $#!%

February 21, 2016

It’s not often I will discover something that will discover something so (literally) game-changing that I will blog about it, but here it is:

BREAK WIND

Unbelievable.  I wish I could donate, but no one knows who actually wrote it.  Whoever it is: THANK YOU.

Old “page” format for Archive

April 23, 2015

With v1 going away (I only still have it because I don’t update my browser), here is the syntax in case you want to do a by-page search:

https://archive.org/search.php?query=collection%3Aclassic_tv&sort=-publicdate&page=63

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

November 24, 2014

2-basezone

One of the best 5-minute RTT games on the planet.  Despite being freeware, it is extremely hard to find, except on sites that want to steal your money.  Get it here:

YOU FARTED

DRUGS

November 22, 2014

While we’re on the topic of (ad)Venture, I used the invincibility cheat and got all 36 treasures:

venture

Bottom row, third from the right.  Is that a drug needle?

DRIED MUPPET FROM PERU

November 16, 2014

Prove (5 pts each):
CANOE = GAS
MOOSE = GAS
HORNET = GAS
STADIUM = GAS
TYPEWRITER = GAS

Solution:

Lemon. Let X be a noun whose plural is XS. Then X = GAS.
Proof:
X+PUSS=XS+PUS which is legal because PUSS is not the plural of PUS.
PUS+GAP=PUP+GAS.

Of the five above, four become plural by adding S and therefore follow from the lemon. The only one that does not is MOOSE so we solve it the conventional way:
MOOSE+GAL=MOOS+GALE
GALE+BUCKS=BUCKLE+GAS QED.

@$$HOLE…

November 14, 2014

BLITTERSPANK

A vintage Atari ad featuring a beautiful stack of boxed carts, RUINED by some @$$wipe who has nothing better to do.  Look for the game “Adventure.”  You won’t find it, because some jerk photoshopped some unintelligible word onto it.  If you can read it, let me know.  It looks like “BLITTERSPANK” to me.

Edit: Ok, I see it is from a now-defunct site and I was close, it’s BUTTER.  Still, do you really have to ruin a perfectly good ad just so you can feel some illusion of importance?  Which, I emphasize, is just that – an illusion.

Edit 2: Get the non-defaced version here while it lasts:
GAMEAD_atari_comparing


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